What is and Never Should be
by mindless-mayhem
Summary: Ally Ross is back in Chicago. Facing her fears and her past is all part of the journey, the one that will hopefully lead her back into the arms of one John Carter. Carter/OC.
1. Chapter 1

She walked through those doors for what probably was the millionth time, but she had forgotten just what it felt like. She stood there taking in the scenery, watching the hustle and bustle of people running around; the shouts of nurses, doctors and patients alike. She could hear the people all around her, but was frozen to the spot, unable to move for the rolling wheels she heard behind her. She felt herself behind shoved to the side by a cold metal bar and snapped out of her trance to see a trauma patient being wheeled by her. She hadn`t seen that sight since she left this hospital 2 years earlier, a flood of memories hit her just as the metal bar of the gurney had.

The people were generally still the same, she saw Malik and Haleh trying to keep a cracked out teen restrained on his bed while yelling for security. Frank was walking past the desk with an arm full of charts and Randi was on the phone yelling at someone, probably a prick resident from another floor. She heard Kerry`s familiar voice yelling orders through the ER and saw the familiar frame of Abby whiz by with bags of saline in her arms.

When she finally came out of her trance she was met face to face with a tall, angry looking man who she assumed was a doctor from the white lab coat he was sporting.

"Did you hear me?" The snarky tone hit her unexpectedly. "Can I help you?" He repeated again, crossing his arms.

"No. No, I'm just-" She was cut off with a friendly voice.

"Ally? Is that you?" She turned seeing the familiar face of Susan Lewis walking her way.

The snarky man with no name turned to face Susan, "You know her?"

"Yeah, she used to work here."

He put his hands up, "Then she's all yours." He walked away Ally's eyes following him the whole way. "I'm sorry about him, he's an intern with an attitude," she turned to look back at Ally. "What are you doing here?"

"I, I don't really know."

She nodded knowingly, placing a hand on her arm. "Well it's great to see you again. We'll have to catch up sometime, how long are you in town?"

She chuckled lightly, "I don't know."

Susan smiled at her softly. "I'll see you around then? You've still got my number?"

"Yeah, I do. I'll give you a call when I'm free." Susan nodded and headed back off to the slew of patients the ER currently held.

The overwhelming feeling in her stomach was growing and she didn't know whether she wanted to turn and run the way she just came in, or walk in further and re-join the chaos she had once grown to love. She was sure the internal battle she was having with herself was apparent on her features because of the way that the passing staff and patients looked at her and finally she gave in walking closer to the desk. Lydia was standing there writing in a chart and looked up when Ally's small frame cast a slight shadow over the paper. A huge smile spread over the older nurses' face, "There she is!" She put down the pen, running around the desk to give the girl a hug. "We missed you around here you know."

She smiled down at her, "I missed you guys too, it's great to see you Lydia."

Lydia squeezed the tops of Ally's arms. "It's great to see you too hun." She paused for a moment, looking over her shoulders then back to Ally. "Does he know," She trailed off.

Ally shook her head, the smile slowly melting off her face. Lydia nodded at her giving her arms another slight squeeze and went back to her charts.

"The prodigal sister returns!" She turned to have her face pressed into a large chest; she smiled into that chest wrapping her arms around the man as best as she could.

Hey Malik." He pulled her back holding her at arm's length giving her a once over.

"You look great kid! You coming back to us? We've missed the Ross attitude around this place."

She chuckled, looking down at her feet pondering that question herself. When she looked back up her eyes landed on him; he looked older than she remembered but it wasn't an obvious aging. It was the aging of seeing too many patients and the reality of not being able to save them all. She could spot the fine wrinkles in his forehead, the result of one too many traumas and maybe she had herself to blame for a bit of that, but that thought was quickly cut of when she realized he was staring back at her. They held each-other's eyes for a moment before he shook his head, threw down his chart and walked away. She closed her eyes and leaned her arm onto the desk when she felt someone's hand on her shoulder. "Ally! I didn't know you were here!" She looked over at Abby, managing the best fake smile she could. "Just got here, actually." "You look great! You coming back here or just stopping in for a visit?"

She shrugged, "Haven't decided yet."

Before Abby could answer the doors slammed open, paramedics rolling in someone on a gurney Susan on one side and Lily on the other. "Abby we're going to need you on this one!" Susan yelled. "Ally, we could use your help too."

Ally started following them down the hall on the way to trauma one. "Susan, I don't even work here."

"I know, but you're still a doctor aren't you?" Ally let out a small sigh, grabbing a gown and a pair of gloves following the group into the room.

Half an hour later Susan and Ally walked out of the trauma room following the gurney that Lily and Abby were rolling up to surgery. "Thanks for your help in there, we're really short staffed today and I didn't really want to do that trauma alone."

Ally shrugged "Don't worry about it. It was actually kinda fun. I might sound crazy when I say this, but I missed this place," she said with a chuckle.

Susan chuckled as well, "You're right, you do sound crazy. But you ARE related to Doug after all, so it's to be expected." The pair laughed as they entered the staff lounge. "How is Doug anyway? Him and Carol still together?"

Ally smiled thinking about her brother, sister-in law and nieces. "Yeah, they are. And they're great. The girls are great, they're getting so big."

Susan smiled pouring herself a cup of coffee. "I always knew they were meant to be together." Accepting the cup Susan handed her Ally smiled, and nodded slightly. "I think we all did."

Suddenly, the door to the staff room was thrown open and Lily appeared on the other side "Susan, we've got another one coming in."

Susan sighed, looking up at the ceiling and put down her coffee.

"Do you want me to come help?"

"No, no. It's okay, feel free to hang out in here though. I'm done in an hour if you want to wait and go get something to eat?" She said heading towards the door.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

Susan walked out of the staff room and Ally walked over to the fridge looking at the pictures on the door. There was one of her, Doug and Mark, the two men holding her in between them kissing her on either side of her face while she stood there looking disgusted. She touched the picture, running her fingers around the edges remembering that day. It saddened her that Mark was no longer there in the ER to greet her when she came in, he was like family to Doug and eventually became the same to her too. Her eyes fell to the picture below that one, she remembered Doug taking this picture Christmas Eve the last year he was in Chicago. Doug had snuck up on them, and the nurses rigged it so that they both ended up under the IV pole mistletoe at the same time. She pulled the picture off of the fridge and held it in her hands staring at it. She missed the way things used to be, but she was the one that screwed it all up and she knew that. She was so engrossed in her memories of the past that she barely heard the door open and someone enter. She slowly turned to face the person who had just entered, looking down when she noticed it was him standing there. He had stopped a few steps inside the door, and she hurried to put the picture back onto the fridge, turning to face him shoving her hands in her pockets. He stared at her for a second, and then made his way over to the cupboard grabbing a cup and filling it with coffee. The tension between them was palpable, and they both took note of it. She was too afraid to speak, not knowing if she even deserved to talk to him again. It was him who took the cautious first step.

"So are you back now?"

"I don't know, I might be."

He let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Glad to see you haven't changed Ally."

He was on his way to the door again when she surprised herself by calling out. "John."

He stopped, but didn't turn around. "Can we talk later?"

He didn't move for several seconds, but then turned facing her. "Why? So you can give me more excuses?"

The tears started brimming in her eyes, and she put a hand up to her face. "I'm off at 7, meet me at Doc Magoos." He turned back, walking out of the room leaving her in there by herself.

She stood there for a moment, and then walked back to the fridge grabbing the picture and shoving it in her pocket before moving over to sit by the couch.

She was sitting on the couch, just staring at the wall thinking of what she was going to say to him when Susan walked back in the room.

"Hey, I'm finally free. Hallelujah!" Susan chuckled, then looked over at Ally sitting on the couch. "You saw him didn't you?"

She looked over at Susan, trying her best to keep the tears at bay and nodded. The look on Susan's face changed to a sympathetic one and she walked over to her locker opening it. "You want to go get a drink or something? We can talk about it if you want to?"

"I'm meeting him at 7."

They were both silent for what seemed like an eternity before Ally spoke again.

"I'd love to go get a drink." She got up off the couch and made her way to the door. "I'll meet you outside."

She exited the room and Susan sighed, resting a hand on her forehead when Abby walked in. "She didn't look too good," Abby commented.

Her eyes went to the direction Ally just left from.

She hasn't been herself since she stepped in here."

Susan took off her lab coat and switched it for her jacket while Abby poured herself a cup of coffee and looked at Susan. "That's because she realized she left her heart here in Chicago. It's walking around in a lab coat and scrubs."

She grabbed her coffee and headed back out to the desk, while Susan closed her locker and followed her out.


	2. Something to Believe In

**Hey everyone! Just a little heads up that I'll be flip flopping between past and present with this one to give back story on Allison and such!  
>Trying something different with this one by doing it this way, but I hope it works out good!<br>As always, reviews are appreciated! **

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><p><strong><em>September 1996. <em>  
><strong>

Allison Ross walked through the doors of County General Hospital on a mission. She walked up to the desk getting many looks from the staff and patients currently inhabiting the ER. She wasn't sure how this would all play out, but she knew that she wasn't leaving without an answer. There was a tall lanky man in glasses, dawning a lab coat standing behind the desk scribbling in charts. Instead of asking him, she went to the guy beside him, a larger man with a beard who was sorting through a pile of papers.

"Hi."

He didn't look up at her but responded, "If you're waiting for a doctor you're just going to have to sit in chairs a little longer."

"I'm actually looking for Doug Ross, is he in today?"

"Like I said, wait in chairs."

She didn't move, standing there looking at him and he finally looked up at her. When he did, he stared at her for a few seconds before responding. "Uh, yeah. Dr. Greene?"

Mark Greene didn't take his eyes off his charts, "Yes Jerry?"

"Have you seen Dr. Ross around?"

"I think he's in a trauma right now, why?"

"This nice young lady here is looking for him."  
>Mark looked over at her, slightly raised an eyebrow and repeated what Jerry had already said. "If you go wait in chairs, I'll send him out when he's free."<p>

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll go wait in your silly chairs."

An hour later Doug finally got done with the trauma, and headed back out to the desk.

"Oh how I love a good trauma in the afternoon."

He sat on a chair, grabbing a handful of charts and sifting through them.

"Whatever happened to the good old ear aches and runny noses? The easy, no brainer stuff. Did we ban that for the day or something?"

Jerry looked over at him chuckling. "If you want to break up the day, there's a young lady waiting for you in chairs."

"Oh really? Any idea who this young lady is?"

Jerry shook his head, "No idea, but she's quite the looker."

Doug raised his eyebrow at Jerry, and started making his way to chairs. Walking down the hallway he was joined by Mark who was exiting a room.

"Did Jerry tell you there's someone waiting for you in chairs?"

"Why yes he did, and that is where I am on my way to now." The pair made their way to the door of the waiting area when Doug stopped in his tracks. He was staring at the girl who was waiting for him, slumped over in a chair playing with a roll of medical tape. Doug's eyes remained on the girl, "How long has she been here?"

Mark was looking at him with a confused concern look across his features. "Uh, about an hour."

Allison looked up from the roll of tape, spotting him standing at the door. She stood up quickly. "Doug!"

The pale, emotionless look remained on Doug's face as the girl came up closer. "Dougy! Took you long enough to get out here." He still hadn't said anything. "What's wrong? Why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"

"Because you are a ghost to me."

"Oh come on Doug, it hasn't been that long!" Allison was starting to get annoyed with his actions.

"Ten years, Allison. I haven't seen you in TEN YEARS." Raising his voice nearing the end of the sentence, Mark grabbed his arm a bit.

"Why don't you two continue this in the lounge? So the patients can't hear."

They all made their way to the lounge, Mark leaving the two to continue this conversation by themselves. Allison looked around at the room while Doug stared at her. "Why are you here Allison?"

"What, no good to see you sis? It's been a long time?"

"And whose fault is that?"

"Don't act all high and mighty with me Doug. It's not like you went out of your way to find me either."

He sighed, realizing the truth in what she just said. He looked around for a minute, then made his way over to his sister, grabbing her and pulling her into a hug.

She slid her arms around his back pulling him tight, "I missed you Doug."

He didn't say anything, but he pulled back to look at her.

"How've you been? You've grown up quite a bit since I last saw you."

She chuckled, "the wonders of med school."

"Med school? You mean to tell me you're a doctor?"

"Guilty as charged! Couldn't let my big brother have all the glory of the family now could I?"

He smiled at her. "I'm proud of you kid."

She shrugged, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

He sighed again, "so why are you here? Cause knowing you, it's not just to visit me."

She was silent for a minute, knowing this wouldn't go over well with him. She felt like their dad when she did things like this, but she didn't know what else to do. "Residency. I'm looking for one."

Doug ran his hands through his hair, "Come on Allison."

"Doug, I don't have anywhere-"

He cut her off, turning to her. "You know you're more like dad than I thought you were."

He walked out of the staff-room, heading towards the desk and grabbing a chart. She followed him out running after him.

"Doug I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to! I heard a rumour from some friends that County is short a resident in the ER and that's where I want to be!" She was right behind him when he went to turn around, "and it's close to you. Is it so bad to want to be close to your brother?"

"When you haven't seen him in ten years, yes."

She sighed, putting her head in her hands and leaning towards the desk. Doug walked away from her, almost running into Mark on his way to the curtain area.

"Should I ask?"

"My sister."

Mark almost stopped dead in his tracks, "sister? You never told me you had a sister."

"For the past ten years I haven't had a sister." He walked into the room and shut the curtain, Mark standing outside the room.

He walked back to the desk where Doug's sister was still standing. "Sister, huh?"

Allison turned and looked at Mark. "Yeah."

"I'm Mark. Don't worry about him, he'll come around."

"I'm hoping so." She turned around scanning the room over once, when her eyes stopped on a tall, dark haired doctor helping an older lady into a wheelchair. He was very handsome and from what she could tell by the way he interacted with the older lady, he was a good guy. He turned her in the chair, when their eyes met. They held each other's gaze until he passed her on his way to the doors. She turned back to Mark. "So is the rumour true? You guys are down an ER resident?"

A female voice rang from behind her. "Yes, that rumour is true. Are you applying for the job?"

She turned around coming face to face with a short, red haired woman with a cane. "Yes, actually. And you are?"

"Kerry Weaver, but the better question is who are you?"

She gave the woman a wary look, feeling their attitudes clashing already. "Allison Ross. Looking for a first year residency."

"Any relation to Doug Ross?" She said turning away from her, rummaging through a chart.

"Is it going to affect whether or not I get the residency?"

"No. I'm just curious about what we're getting ourselves into."

"Can I plead the fifth?"

"Alright, I've got my answer then. Bring me your papers tomorrow and we'll talk. 11 am, ask for me at the desk." She went to walk the same direction Doug had earlier when she stopped and turned around. "And by the way Miss Ross, if you really want the job, you may want to dress a little more professionally."

Allison's eye brows raised and her features held a confused half offended look.

"She's a fire cracker, huh?" A voice came from behind her. She turned around, facing the man she locked eyes with earlier.

"She's something alright."

"Don't worry about her, her bite's a lot worse than her bark."

She let out a worried chuckle, "you're a very reassuring person…" she paused waiting for him to interject with his name.

"John, John Carter."

"Nice to meet you John Carter."

"Carter, we need you in trauma 2." Mark's voice rang from the hallway.

He sighed, obviously not wanting to join the frenzy currently occurring. "I've gotta…" he pointed in the direction of the trauma room.

"Yeah, yeah you better run." They stood there looking at each other for a moment longer.

"Carter, now!"

He jolted from his trance and started on his way towards the room. Before he was too far away, he stopped looking at her again.

"By the way, I think you look great."

She felt a blush rising in her face, but tried not to let it show. When she looked up again he was sprinting down the hallway.


	3. Don't

**Hello again! Something important I forgot to mention in the first chapter is that this is all taking place around season 9, so 2002/2003-ish. So we'll be jumping from here to the past to get backstory!  
>Also, each chapter title is the song that is kinda the anthem for the chapter! so if you want to listen to it while reading or something like that, go for it!<br>I hope you enjoy! (and review!) **

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><p><em><strong>November 2002 <strong>  
><em>

_Don't, don't you wish we tried? _Do you feel what I feel inside? You know our love is stronger than pride. __

She stood outside Doc Magoo's trying to gain the courage to face him. Maybe there was too much history between them, maybe she should just turn around, walk away and leave Chicago for good. Maybe Carol was wrong. How did she know she was the best thing for him? Maybe her leaving would be the best thing for him. But there were too many maybe's for her to make a decision one way or another, so instead of standing outside all night freezing her ass off, she took the step forward pushing the door open and entered the restaurant. She stood beside the door looking around the tiny building for him. He spotted her first and when she finally spotted him in the corner booth sitting alone, she wanted to follow her first instinct and go home. His eyes didn't hold the same look they had 2 years ago, they were harsh and cold and she felt them staring right through her, daring her to walk out of that restaurant. But when she finally sat down in front of him, the look in his eyes had changed. She saw sadness, hurt. They were the eyes of a broken man.

"You showed up."

"Of course I did. I was the one who asked you to talk, remember?"

"Yeah well you don't have the best track record Ally."

She sighed, rubbing a hand over her eye. "Look John, I know I've messed up, but do you really need to tear me down when I haven't even been sitting here for two minutes?"

He crossed his arms."Fine. You wanted to talk, so talk."

She sat there looking at him, not really knowing what she wanted to say, but she knew she had to say something so she wouldn't lose him forever."I know it doesn't mean much now, but I never got the chance to say it." She took a minute, breathing slowly to try to hold back the tears. "I'm sorry. For everything I put you through; for shutting you out, for leaving, for turning you away, for funning from you when you tried –" she was cut off by a noiseless sob, covering her mouth and biting her lip to stop anymore.

He sat there trying to keep the hard shell he promised himself he would keep up around her, but the sight of her so broken was killing him. He knew he should be mad at her for breaking his heart, numerous times, but he still loved her; although he refused to admit that to anyone, barely even himself.

Several minutes later she regained the ability to talk without crying. "I never should have let you leave. I never should have told you to go."

"Why are you really here Ally? You can't tell me that after 2 years finally a light bulb comes on and suddenly you realize the huge mistake you made and suddenly you're on trek to Chicago."

"You're right," she looked at him, "Carol convinced me to come back."

"Carol?"

"Yeah. I lived with them after I stopped showing up to my job and got kicked out of my apartment. Of course Doug gave me a big speech about how I was acting just like dad, irresponsible, childish, but Carol wouldn't let him kick me out because she kept telling him that she had been exactly where I was. That we were exactly where they had been. She convinced me to come back here, come find you and talk to you."

"So it took Carol to convince you that you loved me?"

She dropped her head, running her hands through her hair. "No, John. God no." She sighed wondering if it was worth the explanation when she already knew what he was going to say. She shook her head, "Never mind. I shouldn't have come here," she grabbed her coat, "I shouldn't have found you," she threw her purse over her shoulder, "I shouldn't have brought this up," she stood up. "I'm just gunna go." She stepped outside of the booth quickly, hoping that maybe the faster she got out of here the faster she could forget all this.

"Don't."

A simple word was all it took to stop her in her tracks. She was confused, she was unsure, she was hopeful. And he said it again.

"Don't do this again."

The tears that had started forming in her eyes were now burning, trying to push their way past the fight in her that was holding them in.

"Don't walk away from me again."

There was something different about his voice that time. There was a faltering, an uncertainty that wasn't there before. There was hurt. It was the crack of his voice in the middle of the sentence that broke wall she had fought so hard to put up.

"The first two times were hard enough, but a third time…" He got quiet at the end, but they both knew there was no reason for him to finish that thought.

She stood there, shoulders and head slumped, tears staining the floor and her shoes. It took her two years to build the courage to face him again, to find the hope that he would take her back. It was all here, it was all in front of her and all she had to do was reach out and take it. But she was a Ross after all, and so she resorted back to the only thing she knew.

She ran.

She ran out of the diner sobbing the whole way. It scared her that it was so easy to get him to talk to her, to get him to open up to the possibility again. She knew what he was to her. She knew what she was to him. But what she didn't know is that he was chasing her, like he always did. She ran out the doors and was headed for the street when she heard him again.

"Damnit Ally, stop doing this! Stop running away from me all the time!"

She didn't know why but the sound of his voice made her run faster. Maybe it's because she knew that the sound of his voice meant more to her than almost anything else in her life because the man attached to that voice meant the world to her and like everything else in her life it eventually ended and she didn't want to be around when it did. Or maybe she ran because she wanted to see how far he would chase her. One thing she would never quite understand, however, was that he would always chase her, and he was always faster than her because he knew her better than she knew herself.  
>He was chasing her because he knew she would break down and he didn't want her to be alone when she did. She had her brother before, but now she was here, and she was alone and just like it had always been, she needed him.<p>

She stopped running about three blocks away from the shabby old diner where she collapsed into a pile of rhythmic sobs. She expected this from herself, she expected herself to run when things got tough; it was what she had always done. But one thing she didn't expect was to feel two strong, protective arms around her moments later. She continued to cry as he sat beside her, rearranging their position slightly. They sat there for several minutes like that before he finally spoke.

"Why do you keep doing this? You've got to stop running sometime."

She looked up at him for the first time since leaving the diner. There was no doubt in her mind that he had changed, gotten older, wiser, but she had changed too. She was weaker, more unstable, and she found herself for the first time in her entire life realizing that she needed someone else to keep going. But even through everything they had been through, both together and apart, there was one thing that would never change between them: she would never stop falling in love with him, and he had never fallen out of love with her.


	4. New Perspective

_**October 1996 **_

The sounds of her giggles filled the room as he proceeded to wake her with a barrage of soft kisses over her stomach. She had tried to push his head back, but when his force beat hers she gave up, giving in to the welcomed closeness. He eventually ceased his attack, resting his head on her stomach looking up at her. She yawned, stretching out her arms, and then placing them on the back of his head.

"What time is it?"

"Eight thirty." He placed another small kiss above her navel.

"Ugh, and why exactly are you waking me up at 8:30 on the first day off I get since I started working here?"

"Because I have not been graced with the privilege of a day off and I wanted to say good morning to you properly."

She smirked, "and how exactly does one say good morning properly?"

"Let me show you."

He slid up the bed, leaving a trail of kisses on his way up and stopped when he made it to her neck. She let out a small sigh when he stopped on the small spot under her ear. The phone let out a shrill ring, alerting her that she was still in the real world. She stared at it for a minute, hoping that she was wrong and could go back to her morning in bed.

He mumbled into her neck, "are you gonna get that?"

"No, I'm hoping it will go away." But whoever was on the other end wasn't going to let that happen.

He sat up, reaching across for the phone. "I'll get them to go away."

"No-" but before she could get the words out of her mouth, the phone was already to his ear.

"Hello?"

Doug Ross was sitting on the other end of that phone call, cursing his sister for not answering the phone, when suddenly his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Carter?"

Carters face suddenly drained and his eyes grew to the size of saucers. "Uh… uh, hi."  
>Ally sat up, looking concerned at the sudden change in his behaviour. "Who is it?"<p>

"Carter, why is it that I call my sister and you're the one who answers the phone?"

"I.. Uh… well.."  
>Ally was starting to get worried at this point. "John?" She held out her hand as Doug spoke again.<p>

"Carter, give my sister the phone."

"Yeah."

He handed the phone to Ally who cautiously put it to her ear, semi afraid of who would greet her on the other end.

"This is Ally."

"Would you care to explain why John Carter is answering your phone?"

Her face drained to match the colour of his, as he slowly got out of the bed walking to the bathroom.

"Uhm, how did you get my number?"

"Why won't you answer the question?"

"You answer mine I'll answer yours."

"Fine. Mark told me you got the residency at County. Thanks for telling me by the way, and I asked him to get me your number. Now back to the main question."

"He uh, his car broke down, my place isn't far from the hospital. I offered him the couch."

"And do you always giggle in the background when the person sleeping on your couch answers the phone?"

She closed her eyes, sighing. "Why are you calling Doug?"

"Just wondering why my sister who supposedly wanted a residency at the hospital I currently hold employment at to be closer to me didn't have the decency to call me to tell me she got it, instead I had to hear it from Mark."

"I wanted to surprise you, but apparently you don't work, ever."

"I had some vacation time built up, I took a couple weeks off as a mental health holiday."  
>"Why? Because you suddenly have to face the reality that you do have a family out there even though you've tried to avoid it for years?"<p>

John walked back in the room fully dressed, coat in hand. Pointing to the door he mouthed 'I'm gonna go.' She stared at him for a second before nodding, then looked away from him.

"Ally?"  
>"What Doug?" The words left her mouth with a much harsher tone than she had meant to say them with.<p>

"Why don't we meet for lunch or something? My treat, as a congrats on getting in."

"Yeah, sure."

"I'll meet you at 12 at Doc Magoos?"

"That little place across from the hospital?"  
>"Yeah, you said your place wasn't too far."<p>

"It's not. But that works. I'll see you then." Before he could say anything else she hung up the phone. She stared at it for a minute before running her hands through her hair. That was definitely not the way she wanted to start her morning, flopping back down on the mattress, she silently wished for a rewind button so she could go back to her peaceful morning in bed.

At 12:01 she walked through the doors of Doc Magoo's unsure of what the next hour or so would hold. She saw her brother sitting at the counter and made her way over, sliding onto the stood beside him.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to show."

"And why would I do that? That was always dad's job remember?"

He let out a single sarcastic chuckle. "Don't remind me." He took a look around and then looked back to his sister. "I'm surprised you didn't bring Carter."

Her head quickly jolted from looking down at the counter in front of her to looking at his face.

"Why would I do that?"

He didn't say anything, but he just looked at her with that look she had gotten from him many times in the past.

"There's nothing going on between us Doug, I told you."

"Alright. So. Med school, huh?"

She looked over at him and stared at him before answering. He hadn't really changed that much, obviously he'd aged, but that was inevitable. He still had the same smirk, the classic Ross smirk; their dad had the same one. She smiled and nodded, "yeah, med school."

He smiled back at her and put his arm around her shoulders giving her a squeeze. "I'm proud of you kiddo. I always knew that you would end up in a position of providing some sort of pain, you had enough practice growing up."  
>She chuckled at that, "It's not like I was throwing needles and scalpels at you when I got angry!"<p>

"No, but I'd rather have those than your punches."

"Oh whatever, Doug."

She smiled, looking down at her menu. It took her ten years to realize this, but ten minutes in a diner proved it. She missed him, and she was happy to have him back.

Two hours later she found herself elbow deep in bloody traumas that both her and Doug got pulled into on their way out of the diner. MVA with 2 casualties, 4 majors and 2 minors. Pulling her gloves off, she sighed, leaning against the wall running her hands through her hair.

"So much for a day off, huh?"

She chuckled, looking up at Mark smirking. "I was told there was no such thing as days off here, I guess I'm learning it the hard way."

"Welcome to County." He smiled at her one last time before pushing the doors open, leaving her by herself in the empty trauma room. She took a deep breath and got up, heading out the same path Mark took. She walked back out to the desk, stopping when she saw John sitting behind the desk scribbling in one of his charts.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. I heard you got pulled in on your day off."

"Apparently this place is like a vortex. Sucks you in every time."

Doug walked up to the desk, spotting himself between his sister and Carter. "You'll learn soon, kid. Don't even come within a five mile radius of this place on your day off, you're only asking for trouble."

"If my memory serves me correctly, YOU sir, were the one to choose the restaurant!"

"Hey, when I'm the one paying you shouldn't be complaining!"

"I'll complain when you're choice gets me pulled in on my day off!"

"Okay, okay. No more bickering children." Mark interrupted the sibling dispute.

Doug stuck his tongue out at Ally before walking to the other side of the desk to fill out some paperwork.

Carter looked around before leaning in close to her, "You didn't tell me Doug Ross was your brother."

Ally grabbed a chart and started to walk towards the empty suture room, "You didn't ask."

He raised his eyebrows and walked around the desk following her. "Well that's not one of the things I screen for on first meeting. Obvious psychological problems, yes. Whether or not Doug Ross is your brother doesn't quite make the list."

She pushed open the door, entering the suture room and sitting on the nearest chair. "I kinda thought that the whole same last name thing might have been a little bit of a tip off. You know, Doug Ross, Ally Ross. Dr. Ross and Dr. Ross," she looked up at him from writing in her chart, "And they let you graduate med school?"

"Ha Ha very funny." He went up behind her grabbing her sides causing her to jump.

"John!"

He continued with his assault on her until he eventually tackled her to the floor. He finally stopped minutes later, and stared at her before kissing her.

She was the first one to pull away, "John, we're at work."

"I know. I never got to finish saying good morning." He kissed her again.

"These floors are disgusting." Kiss.

"There's a bed over there." Kiss.

"And we're in the suture room." Kiss.

"You always find an excuse don't you?" Kiss.

That kiss turned into another kiss and another and another and they were both so engrossed with each other that they failed to hear the door open. Several seconds later, they heard the clearing of a throat. Ally quickly pushed John off of her looking up at who was standing in the doorway. John jumped off of Ally, coming face to face with Doug. He didn't know what to do, so he said the first thing that came to mind. "Hi."

Doug crossed his arms. "Hello Carter." He looked down at Ally, and John followed suit, seeming like he almost forgot she was sitting on the floor.

He scrambled to help her up, offering him her hand. When she was standing, she picked up her chart and stood beside John staring at her brother before straightening her top and clearing her throat lightly.

"I'm gonna go give this back to Jerry. I'll see you guys later." And with that she quickly glided past the men pushing the door open and practically running down the hall.

Carter stood staring at Doug for a few seconds before speaking, "I should get back to work."

Doug stuck his hand out stopping John from exiting the suture room.

"She's my sister Carter. You hurt her; I make sure you never work again. Meaning, I kill you. Slowly." The smile that he held at the end of that statement sent chills through him and he stood staring at him with his feet glued to the floor.

"Now go! Get back to work!" Doug yelled. John jumped, running through the doors like the seat of his pants were on fire. Doug chuckled to himself before exiting the room walking towards the desk. Ally stepped out of a hallway looking up at her brother with an unapproving face.

He was the first one to speak. "You told me there was nothing going on."

"Like you didn't know I was lying. Did you really have to scare him?"

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Of course, it's my job."

She snorted, "Sure where were you 8 years ago when I needed that?"

He looked down at her. "I've got 10 years to make up for. Carter just happened to be the lucky guy."

She stopped walking, still looking at him. "Doug. Please."

"Fine, fine. I'll try my best not terrorize him."

"A little more than try and we have a deal."

"Deal, now are you ready to go home?"

"What, you don't have some sort of building explosion rigged so we can get stuck here for a few more hours?"

"No, but I'm sure I could make one happen if that's what your little heart desires."

She rolled her eyes shoving him, "Just take me home."


	5. Searchlights

_**November 2002 **_

_(Flashback) _

_She stood in the dark, staring out the window at the city looking at the lights all around. Why she was standing here and not lying in bed with him, she wasn't sure. She looked back at the bed seeing him lying there peacefully and pulled the shirt she was wearing, which happened to be his, closer to her body and looked back out the window. _

_She had no idea how long it had been, but she felt his arms wrap around her. "How long have you been standing here?" _

_She shrugged, making his head, which was resting on hers, move as well. _

"_Why aren't you in bed?" _

_She shrugged again. _

_He leaned down kissing her neck. "I don't have to go into work for another two hours. Come lay down for a bit?" _

"_Okay." _

_He led her to back to the bed, never unwrapping his arms from around her waist until they got to the edge. He let her go, letting her climb in first, then followed resuming the position they had before. She enjoyed the feeling of his arms around her, and she had missed it while they were apart, but a part of her questioned it, wondering if it was real. She had only come back yesterday. Last night was the first time they had spoken in 2 years and she had internally promised herself that she would stop running away from him, though she hadn't told him that yet. Everything happened so fast the night before: seeing him, running, him chasing her, him holding her, kissing her, making love. Did it mean anything, or was it just the closure neither one of them had ever gotten. _

It was two weeks later and she was lying on the couch in the lounge remembering that night. It was perfect in her mind, well maybe not perfect, but it happened and it was real and she wanted to be in his arms again lying in his bed instead of on this old, ratty couch. She was working at County again; they rehired her on the spot when she told them she guessed she was staying. Kerry said she wouldn't have it any other way and they were short attendings anyway, so it was obviously the right thing to do. She had been working solid since then, which she appreciated because it kept her busy, but she didn't appreciate it because it gave her no time to talk to him. They hadn't talked about anything pertaining to them and their relationship, however messed up it currently was, and it made her unsure about what he was thinking. She was staying at his place; he insisted. They slept in the same bed every night, even though it was only for a few hours because they were on almost opposite shifts. They made love every night. That's what confused her, everything else she could handle but the fact that he never let a night go by, but wouldn't talk about what they were now was what had her stumped.

The door to the lounge opened, but she didn't open her eyes to see who was walking in hoping they would assume she was asleep and leave her alone.

"Only your second week back and you're already sleeping on the job?"

She opened her eyes, turning her head towards him. "Haven't been getting much sleep lately."

He turned back to the coffee maker, "yeah, sorry about that."

Before she could say anything Chuny burst through the door, throwing 2 trauma gowns and gloves on the table. "Trauma coming in guys, it's a big one. All hands on deck!"

Ally flew off the couch, grabbing the gown and gloves off the table on her way out the door. "What happened?"

"MVA. Old guy passed out behind the wheel, crashed into a minivan. Mom and 3 kids in it."

She looked over to John who had come out of the lounge seconds after her. "It's gunna be a long morning."

Two hours later she stood in the hallway looking around at the mess they had created. She was right, it was a long morning. The old man had died from his injuries, they had sent the mom up to X-ray and she had Malik amusing one of the children in the lounge, while the other two were stable and resting. She decided that it was about due time for a coffee and started making her way to the lounge, but before she made it there she was pulled into yet another trauma. Haleh had grabbed her arm, pulling her alongside the gurney until she grabbed on.

"What have we got?"

"44 year old female, kids called 911 because her husband wouldn't stop beating her. Pulse 54, BP 102/68, Resps are shallow but I think there's fluid on the lungs."

She leaned over the head of the gurney, "can you tell me your name?"

"Linda."

"Hi Linda, I'm Dr. Ross and we're going to take good care of you okay?"

They rolled her into trauma one and the chaos started all over again. While she was assessing the woman, Lily burst through the trauma doors. "Ally, one of the kids is crashing."

Her heart sank hearing those words, "alright." She ripped her gloves off and looked around, she was the only doctor in the room and she couldn't just leave. She noticed a white coat walking by the doors, when she did a double take. "John, I need you in here!"

He stopped, running through the doors. "What is it?"

"My kids crashing, I need you to take this one."

"Yeah, yeah go."

She ran through the doors into the next trauma room grabbing another pair of gloves from a nurse. "What's happening?"

"BP's dropped to 100/50, pulse is tachy 114, temps up to 105, looks like she's going septic."

"Shit. 500 mg of rocephin IM, now!"

Suddenly the monitor went flat. "She's in V-fib!"

Ally jumped into actions starting compressions while lily ran over and started bagging her, "Charge to 200." She continued with compressions, but stopped for a minute to see if she could hold a rhythm. When she couldn't she grabbed the paddles, "Clear!" When the screeching continued, she yelled again. "Charge to 250!" She waited for the beep. "Clear!"

Still there was no change on the monitor and the screeching was ringing in their ears.

"Damnit, don't do this. Charge to 300. Clear."

She stared up at the monitor and down at the girl, looking over at the nurse across from her. "Dr. Ross?"

"Stop compressions and bagging." The monitor showed no change, "350, clear." She looked up at the monitor again. "Nothing." She ripped her gloves off, putting her hands on her hips. "I'm calling it. TOD 10:23." She stood beside the young girl looking down at her for a minute or so and then she closed her eyes sighing, and walking back to the other trauma room.

Carter looked up at her from his spot beside the woman where he was listening to lung sounds. "How is she?"

She didn't say anything, she just shook her head trying to hold back tears and turned back to the woman she was previously treating. "You're looking better already."

"It's cause I had such a handsome doctor."

Ally chuckled looking over at Carter and smirking. "You know, I always thought his looks were what got him through med school."

"I could say the same thing about you Dr. Ross."

She just shook her head, walking over to her chart that was sitting on the ledge and skimming through it. Carter came up beside her a few minutes later. "We still need a statement on what happened, her kids told the cops her husband was beating her, but they still want her to say it."

She nodded, not looking up at him. "I'll get it."

He squeezed her shoulder lightly before heading out, leaving just Ally and Linda in the room. Ally turned around and grabbed a stool sitting beside her bed. "Linda, what happened to you?"

The woman looked at her hands for several seconds before looking back up at Ally. "Fell down the stairs, kids left some toys at the top, I've told them hundreds of times to pick them up, but you know kids they just don't listen."  
>Ally was quiet for a second before leaning in closer to Linda. "Your kids told us they saw your husband beating you."<p>

She started tearing up, looking back down at her hands again. "I don't know what I do to make him so angry. I work, take care of the kids, make him dinner, everything he doesn't want to do. But for some reason he still does this."

Ally's heart broke at the tone of Linda's voice and she rested a hand on top of hers. "This isn't your fault Linda. It's nothing you're doing, he needs help. Does he ever touch the kids?"

"No. No, he's a good man he would never hurt them."

She sighed wanting to say so many things about how wrong that statement was, but she bit her tongue. "We can get you help, we can get you and the kids to a women's shelter."

"No, I don't want to go. I don't want to take the kids out of their home."  
>"I don't want him to hurt you again Linda, none of us do, and we're trying to help you."<p>

Linda looked over at her. "I have no choice, he'll find me. He always does." The tears started falling down her face.

Ally held back her own tears from falling, "where's your husband now Linda?"

"I don't know. He does this all the time; he'll beat me and then leave for a few hours, few days, who knows."

"I'm going to get one of the nurses to come in and sit with you while I go find the officers and let them know your husband might be going back soon, okay?"

Linda looked up at her with scared eyes, she knew she had to do something to help this woman, but if no one could stop him previously, how was she supposed to do it? "I'll be back, I promise."

Linda nodded and Ally grabbed her chart, getting up off the stool and heading to the doors. When she had gotten outside of them, she took a left and went directly into the other trauma room. As soon as she was through the doors she burst out into tears. She sat in there crying for a few minutes before she heard the doors open. She turned around, wiping at her face to see who had entered. John was standing just inside the doors looking at her, worry spread across his face. Instead of saying anything, he swiftly moved over to her taking her in his arms and stroking her hair lightly. He placed a kiss to the top of her head and they sat like that for minutes before she spoke, "Why isn't anything going right today?"

"Some days are just like that, we can't win them all."

"The old man that caused the crash, heart attack, couldn't resuscitate him. The little girl, probably a ruptured appendix. I missed it, sepsis, and now she's dead. That woman in there, her husband nearly beat her to death and there's nothing I can do about it! I know we can't win them all, John, but it'd be really nice if we could at least catch a break on a few." The tears were freely flowing down her face again.

He pulled back looking at her. "Hey, that heart attack, it happened before he even got here. The sepsis, anyone could have missed that with everything else she had wrong. And it's not your fault that that woman won't let us help her."

She stared at him, unable to speak. He stared back at her. He leaned in, kissing her; he hated to see her like this, so broken and vulnerable. She felt like she had to fix everyone, and he felt like he needed to fix her. But maybe both were just unfixable.

She pulled away from his kiss, looking back at him.

"What are we doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean John. What are WE doing? I come back after two years and I expected to talk about this, to talk through this. But I'm staying at your place, sleeping in your bed; but we're working opposite shifts so we can avoid each other and pretend like it's not happening. What are we doing?"

He sighed, letting go of her, standing up and running his hand through his hair. "Do we really have to talk about this now, Ally?"

She stood up, wiping her face with her sleeve and walking past him, stopping at the door. "No Carter, we don't. We can keep pretending for a few more weeks until it all comes back to bite us in the ass." And with that she pushed open the door, heading out to find the cops to tell them what she knew.

Half an hour later, she walked back into Linda's room smiling and nodding at the nurse to let her know she could head out now.

"I'm back."

Linda smiled up at her. "So you are."

"I promised I would be."

"So you told the police?"

"Yeah, they're on their way to your house right now. They brought your kids down to the station to make sure they'd be safe and we've got 2 officers outside your door in case your husband shows up here."

She smiled wearily at the doctor, "Same as last time. They'll let him out eventually."

"Linda we can help you! I can give-" Linda put her hand up, signaling Ally to stop.

"It's fine, don't worry about me."

"But-"

"I said don't worry."

Ally sat there, not knowing what else to say to her. She was angry she wouldn't accept her help and didn't understand why she would keep going back to him.

"So was that your boyfriend?"

Ally looked over at her confused.

"The other doctor, I saw him follow you in to the room next door." She nodded over to the window that connected the two rooms, "through there."

Ally nodded a bit. "I don't know."

"He better be, he loves you."

"I'm not too sure about that."

"He does. I can tell by the way he looked at you. His face after you left. He loves you."

Ally looked down, shaking her head. "I don't think so."

"I know that look. Trust me, I might not be the relationship queen now, but I've been around. I can spot these things a mile away."

Linda's IV beeped and Ally stood up looking at it.

"I'll be right back; I'm going to grab you a new bag before this one runs out."

"Talk to him. The bag can wait; I'll be here for a while."

"So will he, and you're my number one priority right now." Ally headed out of the room before Linda could say anymore. She knew she was going to have to confront him again, but she was going to wait until after her shift. There was enough sadness associated with this shift, and she didn't think she could handle anymore.


	6. Hallelujah

_**January 1997**_

She heard the whispers followed by the saddened faces all day, but she never had the time to stop and ask what it was all about. She was too preoccupied with work and with the rocky grounds she and Carter were on to care about anything else that was going on at the time. She figured it was if it was important enough for everyone else to care, they would eventually tell her without her having to take the time to ask. Yes, she was in a mood today, but who wouldn't be with what had went on over the past few days. Short staffed, more traumas than they had seen in what Ally recalls as forever, and to top it all off a fight with John.

_(The night before) _

"_So you talk to Mark about it but not me?" _

_She sighed and threw her head back. "Are we really going to fight about this John?"_

"_I'm your boyfriend, Ally. I should be the one you come to when you're having problems with your dad, not Mark!" _

_She sat up and looked at him. "He's been through this before with Doug. He gets it; that's why I talk to him about it, because he's been around the idiocy that is my father!" _

_He stood up off the couch. _"_I could get it too if you would talk to me! You think I like walking into the staff room to see you crying in Mark's arms because of something I had no clue was even going on?" _

"_I didn't want to bother you with something so stupid!" _

_He turned, staring at her with his brows furrowed. "Bother me? He's your dad, Ally. I talk to you about my stupid parents all the time!" _

_She stood, walking over to him grabbing his hands. "I barely get to spend any time with you as it is, John. Do you really think that I want to spend that time talking about my shit bag of a dad?" She stared at him with pleading eyes._

_"Neither of us have perfect parents, Ally. Don't you think because of that I might have been able to help in some way?"_

_She let go of his hands, throwing them up in the air. "Why are you making such a big deal about this?!"_

_"Because if you're not telling me about this, then what else aren't you telling me about?" He crossed his arms, his face set. _

_She stared at him with a look of offended bewilderment. "Seriously?"  
><em>

_"Am I wrong?"  
><em>

_"Yes!" She practically screamed, " You sound like an idiot right now!"  
><em>

_He continued to stay planted where he was before, arms still crossed and the angry look still clad on his features. "So now I'm an idiot for caring about you?" His voice was louder than it was before. _

_She shook her head. "You know what, I'm not doing this anymore. I have to work in the morning."  
><em>

_He scoffed, heading for the door and grabbing his coat off the couch on his way. "Fine then. We can fight about it tomorrow night. I have to go to work anyway." _

The night before was definitely no picnic. It was a lot of screaming and a lot of harsh words that neither parties meant to say. He had the right to be angry, which was something she realized the next morning on her trek to work, but she hadn't seen him yet to tell him that. They were on different specialties now, but not too far off. Yes, he was a surgical intern and she was still in the ER, but he was a surgical intern assigned to the ER. She had found it odd that he wasn't scrambling around the ER like he normally was, especially on a day like today. She had seen him a few times earlier that morning, but he avoided her shouts, she assumed he was still angry from the night before. She had finally managed time for a break, ducking into the staff lounge, hopefully unnoticed. Pouring herself a much needed cup of coffee, she heard the door open and turned, hoping that John was the one following her in. Seeing that it was Mark, she sighed and leaned on the counter, coffee still in hand. "Don't worry; I'm trying to hide too."  
>She chuckled quietly and headed towards the couch, flopping down on it. "Will the madness never end?"<br>Mark stared down at the cup of coffee in his hands with a solemn look, "starting to wonder that myself." She opened her eyes to look up at Mark. "You haven't seen Carter around by any chance, have you? I'm pretty sure he said he was doing a double."  
>He shook his head lightly, "no, didn't really expect to though."<br>She looked at him slightly confused, "because now surgical interns don't have a field day with trauma's in the ER?"  
>"No, but I didn't really think they'd make him work after what happened." The solemn look from before returning to his face.<br>She sat up. "Okay, I'm missing something. I've been seeing that face from everyone all morning."  
>"You didn't hear?"<br>She looked around slightly confused, then shook her head and shrugged. "Obviously not."  
>"Gant threw himself in front of a train last night."<br>She stared at Mark for a second before closing her eyes and bending over, resting her elbows on her knees.  
>"Carter was one of the ones trying to save him when they brought him in."<br>She let out a breath, pinching the bridge of her nose trying to hold back the tears. "I had no idea, Mark. I heard people whispering all morning but I was too busy to listen." She sat up and looked at Mark. "Should I go find him?"  
>He didn't say yes or no, just responded with, "I'll cover for you."<br>She stood, and headed out of the room, throwing her cup of coffee in the garbage on her way out.

She found herself back in the staff room at the end of her shift, sitting in the same spot she had occupied earlier that day. Susan Lewis, fully clad in winter gear, walked into the room arriving to start her shift.  
>"I didn't think it was possible for it to get any colder outside. I was wrong." She looked over at Ally sitting on the couch staring blankly at the lockers across from her. As Susan moved to her locker she asked, "Long day?"<br>"You have no idea."  
>She turned to her locker, "I heard about Gant." She paused. "How's Carter doing?"<br>"That's a good question, haven't been able to find him all day."  
>She stood up from the couch, walking over to her locker. Opening it she threw her stethoscope in and hung up her lab coat, exchanging it for a bulky winter coat.<br>Susan closed her locker, looking over at Ally. "I'm sure he'll come around sooner or later. Have a good night, don't think about this place; it'll ruin it."  
>Susan gave her a small smile and headed out of the staff room to the board full of patients that awaited her.<p>

Ally walked home faster than usual that night, the less than desirable temperatures of the evening being her motivation to get to her nice warm apartment. As she approached the small building, she noticed someone sitting on the steps and slowed down a little trying to see if she could make out the figure. As she got closer, the figure looked up after hearing her footsteps.  
>"John?"<br>He didn't respond, but she knew that it was him. She quickened her pace, opening the gate and walking up the stairs to him.  
>"What are you doing? It's freezing out here."<br>He looked up slightly from his stooped position on her front steps, but not enough for her to see the tears that were starting to fall.  
>"I didn't know where else to go."<br>"How long have you been out here?"  
>"A few hours."<br>"Are you crazy?!"  
>When he didn't respond, she grabbed his arm as she reached in her purse for her keys. He stood, following her up the stairs to the door. When they got inside and had made it to her apartment, she let him in first and closed the door. He stood a few feet in front of her with his back turned to her, neither of them moving from their places. After a couple minutes of silence, she left her spot heading towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. It didn't take long before he was hugging her back tightly.<br>"I could have stopped him Ally."  
>She looked up at him, not releasing him from her grasp. Tears were falling down his face, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Her heart broke from the sight in front of her.<br>"Don't put that on yourself, John. You had no idea that he was going to jump in front of that train."  
>He released her, walking away from her, his hands running through his hair. "I might have if I had listened to him! But instead I avoided him because I didn't want to hear him whine about Benton anymore!"<br>She followed him across the apartment. "This is not your fault. You weren't the one making him feel like that, you weren't the one that drove him there."  
>"But I could have been the one to stop him!"<br>He dropped his head, running his hands over his face as the tears fell from his eyes. Ally moved so she was standing in front of him and grabbed his hands, tears forming in her own eyes. "You don't know that. That's the thing; you have no idea what he was thinking, so for you to put this on yourself is not fair to you."  
>He stared at her for a few seconds before whispering, "I just don't know what to do."<br>She raised her hand to his cheek, wiping away some tears. "There's nothing you _can_ do. You can't change the past, John."  
>The couple stood there for a few minutes staring at each other, John resting his cheek in Ally's hand enjoying the warmth.<br>"You want to stay here tonight?" She asked softly.  
>He nodded in response, and she turned heading to her bedroom. She went to the closet pulling out pajamas and headed for the bathroom. When she returned, she saw John laying in bed staring up at the ceiling. She turned the light off and crawled in beside him, resting her head on his chest. He pulled her closer to him and grabbed her free hand, wanting to be as close to her as possible.<br>It didn't matter to him what they fought about the night before, and he thought to himself about how trivial it all was now. He always knew how fragile life was, being in the profession that he was in, but the last 24 hours had taught him a new set of lessons and he was left remembering what was important in life. Kissing the top of her head, he realized that Ally was what was important. She kept him going, she kept him strong. And even though he was feeling broken in that moment, her warmth radiating to his side was a reminder that she would always be his reason to keep going.  
>She squeezed the hand wrapped in his.<br>"I'm sorry."  
>He knew that this statement had a double meaning; not only for the loss that had occurred earlier that day, but also for what happened the night before.<br>"I know."  
>She let out a long breath, closing her eyes, enjoying the comfort.<br>"I love you, John."  
>He looked down at the girl in his arms: His reason to keep going.<br>"I love you too, Ally."


	7. Yesterday

_**December 2002** _

_Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away  
><em>

"Well that was awkward." She set her coffee down on the desk beside the stack of charts she was working her way through.  
>"What was?" Luka responded without glancing up from his charts.<br>"Just walked in on Abby and Carter in the lounge having some secret conversation, because everyone shut up when I walked in."  
>"Oh yeah? I'm sure it was nothing."<br>"Yeah, I'm sure." She keeps writing in her chart, but can't help but think about the situation. Luka looked up, noticing that she was aimlessly staring at her chart.  
>"What do you see in him anyway?"<br>"What?" She quickly looked up at him.  
>"Carter. What do you see in him?"<br>"Why do you care what I see in him?"  
>"Because I think you can do better than him."<br>"What is that supposed to mean, Luka?" He paused for a second, the two still staring at each other.  
>"You love him?" For a few seconds, Ally doesn't say anything. Trying to avoid the question, she looked back down to her chart and continued writing.<br>"Do you love him?" He repeated his question, a little louder this time. Throwing her pen down on the chart she crossed her arms.  
>"How is this any of your business?"<br>"It's been the business of every person in this ER from the moment you walked back in."  
>Staring back at him, trying not to get angry, she took a deep breath and licked her lips.<br>"Yes. I do. I wouldn't have come back if I didn't."  
>Before either of them could say anything more, they heard laughing coming from the door of the lounge. Abby and Carter emerged from the lounge laughing, Abby's hand resting on his bicep. Ally watches until they've both walked away, picking her pen back up she keeps writing in her chart ignoring the feeling of Luka's eyes on her. When she didn't look up, he grabbed his charts and started to walk to the curtain area.<br>"I hope you made the right choice Ally."

_There's a shadow hanging over me _

A few hours and 2 traumas later, Ally finally had her chance to sit down at the desk. Sinking into the chair, she put her feet up on a shelf and leaned back.  
>"I'm not moving from this chair for the rest of the night."<br>Haleh looked over at the visibly tired doctor. "With only you and Kovac on? Good luck with that one honey."  
>"Let me dream, woman." She sighed, closing her eyes.<br>"Doctor Ross, nice to see that the ER is keeping you busy. I've always said that you were too pretty to be working down here in the trenches."  
>Groaning, Ally sat up slowly turning to face the newly added voice. Smiling sarcastically she rolled her eyes.<br>"Doctor Romano, how can I help you?"  
>"If you've got free time down here, I'm sure I could find you something to keep you busy Allison."<br>"I've got more than enough work down here Robert." She grabbed a chart, flipping through it. She could feel Romano moving closer to her, so she stood walking to the board to get some distance between them.  
>"I'm sure you do, but it's definitely not the type of work that you should be doing."<br>"And what type of work do you suggest?" She replied mindlessly, staring at the board intently.  
>"A job that honours your body just as much as your mind."<br>"I'd be careful about what your next suggestion is Doctor Romano."  
>Turning from her spot, she looked over at John who was now walking her way.<br>"Nice to see you too Doctor Carter. I was just giving your girlfriend here some job advice."  
>"I heard, but I think she's doing well enough without it."<br>"At least that makes one of us." Turning back in the direction he came from, he headed for the elevators without another word. Ally spoke without turning away from the board.  
>"I thought you were off at 7?"<br>"Chief resident never gets off on time. You're welcome with Romano by the way."  
>"I can handle myself, John."<br>He walks closer to her, leaning against the desk beside her.  
>"Against the lovely Romano?"<br>She grabbed her chart and moved to another spot at the desk. John watched her with a cocked head.  
>"Like I said, I can take care of myself. I'm a big girl."<br>"What, I'm not allowed to defend you when creepy surgeons are hitting on you?"  
>She finished writing her last line in the chart, then grabbed the stack she was previously working on.<br>"So I should defend you when pretty nurses are hitting on you?"  
>She turned with her stack of charts and walked away, heading to an open suture room.<br>He turned, looking at Haleh who was standing beside him now. She shook her head slowly, giving him a look that he knew not to question.  
>"Carter, I thought you were done?"<br>John turned to face Luka as he was approaching him. "Just finishing up now, actually."  
>Luka grabbed the chart from his hands, "then let me take that from you."<br>John turned, looking at the suture room that Ally had disappeared into.  
>"Have a good night," Kovac said rather pointedly.<br>Carter turned to look at him, then headed to the suture room.  
>Haleh looked over at Kovac watching Carter walk to the room Ally was in.<br>"Boy, you better watch what you're doing."  
>"I know exactly what I'm doing."<br>"No, I don't think you do. They were together for 4 years."  
>"Were."<br>"You have no idea Luka."  
>"I have enough of one." With that, he walked away.<p>

_Now I need a place to hide away_

John walked into the suture room where Ally had spread her charts out over the gurney scribbling madly in them. Even though she heard him walk in, she didn't acknowledge him.  
>"What was that about back there?"<br>"I have no idea what you're talking about Carter."  
>He walked over to her, sitting on the gurney in front of her blocking her way to the charts. "What's with the attitude today?"<br>She looked up at him annoyed, "it's been a long day okay?"  
>He held her gaze momentarily, and then dropped his head staring at his hands.<br>"What time are you off at?"  
>"Midnight."<br>"Do you want me to pick you up?"  
>"No, I can take the L."<br>He stared down at her, but she wasn't meeting his gaze. "Alright… I guess I'll see you at midnight then?"  
>"Yeah. Have a good night."<br>He leaned down to kiss her, but she turned her head forcing her cheek on him. He pulled back, sighing and shaking his head lightly.  
>"You too."<br>He got up off the gurney and headed towards the door, she looked up watching him go, but couldn't restrain herself as he got to the door.  
>"Is there something going on with you and Abby?"<br>He stopped, turning to face her.  
>"What?"<br>"You and Abby. I saw you guys earlier and I mentioned something to Luka and the response I got made me wonder. Is there?"  
>"No. I mean, there was once, but not anymore. And what did Luka say anyway?"<br>The expression on her face turned to one of hurt before she dropped her head to look at her hands. He walked back over to her resuming the spot he was in just moments before.  
>"You don't have to worry about it. I'm with you 100%. It's always been you, you know that."<br>She didn't look up at him, so he put his hand under her chin pulling it up to look at him.  
>"You've got me."<br>"It's not you I'm worried about."  
>"What did Luka say to you?"<br>"Nothing, don't worry about it."  
>She stood up, going to grab her charts before her grabbed her arm.<br>"Hey. What did he say?"  
>"He asked me what I saw in you, cause he thinks I can do better."<br>John's face stiffened, but he maintained his grip on her arm.  
>"Do <em>you <em>think you could do better?"  
>She paused, looking over his face. She could see the anger that was rising about the fact someone was trying to meddle in his relationship and that should have been enough to convince her, but there was still that doubt underneath it that was nagging at her.<br>"No. It's always been you."  
>He released his grip on her arm and moved forward closing the space between them. Leaning down, he kissed her lightly, then rested his forehead against hers.<br>"You have nothing to worry about. Don't listen to Luka."  
>She nodded, wrapping her arms around his waist. He returned the gesture and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head.<p>

_Oh, I believe, in yesterday. _


End file.
